Sigh...
I really don't like doing things that don't have a point. I see no future in what I am doing right now, therefore there isn't a reason to be doing it, or so my mind has seemed to settle on this thought. Before, to justify what I was doing, I explained that I was merely taking what I could from this relationship, and I was prepared to run with it, as I knew then it had no future. But I woke up this morning thinking, what the fuck am I doing?
Seriously?
Yesterday morning surprisingly, I felt the same way. It's funny because every morning before, typically my first thoughts were different. Normally, loving thoughts would enter my head, pleasant thoughts. But now these past few mornings I have been feeling a sort of emptiness. A familiar emptiness. A frustration, angering, saddening, hopelessness. Gradually I become better throughout the day, but I feel like I am just ignoring the inevitable, you know? This is going to blow up in my face very soon. I know this, and yet I am still doing it. That my friends, is the mark of a stupid woman.
I've become what I swore I wouldn't.
Sometimes I look at Phil, and I think, he definitely sees this in me now. The foolish, naivete woman that I become sometimes. Still, I get the feeling he has feelings for me. Still, I must ignore them, and I am sure he notices by now that this cannot be a winning situation for him. It makes me feel silly knowing that it's showing, and I can't hide it.
Really? What should I do? I still feeling like continuing this and stealing what I can from it. Something to remember forever. At the same time, I'm thinking, I need to address this immediately with him. But I am at a loss for words when I see him. I cannot speak the words because there is definitely a huge part of me that will suffer greatly from having decided to forget this, to move on from this. My entire heart will suffer this. Again. My mind is telling me this is a necessary thing to do. I know I have to.
He asked me a while back to wait for him. He says every now again, someday I'll be better for you. I told him that I don't intend to wait. I cannot wait because what do I do until then? He answers me, do what you want to do. I tell him, what I wanted was you, and you told me I can't have that. I am not the kind of person who can keep someone in the back of my mind and fuck around with others. I am a one guy kind of girl, really. I don't have wavering feelings once I have settled on someone. No other male seems to have any effect at all. If I waited, I would seriously just wait there. By the time he was "better", I would be so fucked up, a complete basket case. I can't just fool around emotionlessly like he can. I hate that he can do that, I really do. It makes me very sad.
As a side note. Say I was different, and I could just mess around and be so called "free" as he intended when he said "do what you want to do". Could he seriously be totally okay with that? Just be like, okay yeah, shes got this new boyfriend now, and I am totally indifferent to it. I really don't believe he could.
Plus? What are we doing now? We both know this has to end. He is going to go to college and do all the things that hurt me, and he's going to enjoy doing it, and he is going to put me completely aside. Of course, some would say, "well he still cares for you, isn't that enough? When he comes back, he will still want to be with you, so he really wants you in the end." To me, that's not what that means. To me, that means, "I am going to go fool around with other women and have a good time, I am going to put your feelings aside, and do all the things I want to do, knowing you are there waiting for me to come back. Knowing that despite it all, you will take me still when I am ready to settle down." This simply doesn't work for me. Thinking of it this way, I will be such a wreck by that time. I know if I let myself, I might just wait too. I cannot allow this to happen to me. I have a feeling that this is the type of thing that mind fucks personalities for a lifetime.
But all this talk about the future, that is not the only issue. I have gaping holes in me the size of Nebraska from things that have happened in the past that I have still not come to terms with. I am not entirely sure I have the capacity to forgive these things. It's not as if I'm angry at him as a result, either. It's just that some of these things are like taboo topics to me. Torture. I can speak of them to people who already know what happened by mentioning only, "well you know the events of last summer, ---" for one example. But if you asked me to retell it, I couldn't do it. I can hardly speak of it. It brings back a pain so strong. I'm not entirely ignoring it either, for the longest time, I've remembered and known it was there. But I can't seem to come to terms with it. It's like this completely infected wound still. I'm wondering if its because I don't have answers to questions I had at that time, and now it is too late for honesty. I really think that the time to be honest is right at the time of the issue. The truth is warped by time. Therefore I think that any explanation I might receive now would be hollow or false. Honestly, I can't cope with it. Still the only idea I have to fixing it is to get some answers.
The other night at his house he said to me, "Am I good enough for you?" This confirmed a belief I had recently. I was thinking that might be what happened. He said "Why do you think I broke up with you?" (I really hate these cliche wordings). So it was because of this, apparently. When I am with him, usually I am happy to be with him and so my heart takes his words seriously. But after, my mind will analyze them. After analyzing the words now, I think to myself--when you broke up with me, you gave no explanation and left it up to interpretation. You agreed with my questioning that I wasn't right for you, and furthermore, you agreed that the female from last summer was your type. When he agreed to that, it destroyed me. I was engulfed by all the bad thoughts and assumptions I had made in the back of my mind that finally became a reality to me. That the whole time when I felt terrible about myself, felt less than worthy, hurt daily. I felt that way for almost an entire year, and those feelings became real. My worst nightmare. And then he tells me that it was he who felt unworthy. Now, it is obvious to see that an explanation would have been a spectacular addition to that breakup, if that is really the truth. Why would you let someone you care about feel that way when you could prevent it by telling the truth, if infact it was the truth? That is something I doubt I can ever understand. It just seems so entirely wrong to me. To be honest, I do not forgive him for allowing me to think those terrible things if they were not really the truth.
It is because of situations like that, that I always feel like explaining myself 100% to people I care about even if it makes no fucking sense to them.
My mind does not want you to win, my dear.
I had this very influential dream last night. I was trying to help him find something in this shopping complex. We were holding hands looking. We got into this general store and they didn't have it, but we did grab some other stuff, items that I can't recall. So we're walking hand and hand still to the exit, only it wasn't the exit, and I said to him, hey I don't think this is the exit. And he said Yeah, or something. We kept walking though. Suddenly somehow it became apparent that we needed to get out. I recall walking down a hallway, only every room was my room, and in every single room, the window was on fire, just the window. And we needed to get out, but all windows were burning. So we go into one of my rooms and this shadow of a girl is there in the window (the shades are shut but the curtain is open, so its like shes outside) And she says to us, "Come on, you guys can get out this way." And we were like Uhh, we can't the window is on fire, and I could feel the hot heat coming from it. Then she assured us "No, really, its okay, you guys can get through, let me come and help you." She came in, only she was just an outline, a shadow type thing, a ghost kind of thing? This wasn't scary to me at all, I was just like eh okay. And she's like "Okay, we have to hurry, come on, before she wakes up... she is coming back very soon." And she looks all shifty and uncomfortable. I was like eh..? It was like, we need to just get out of that window before this "she" comes out. I acknowledged it in the dream as split personalities of the outlined girl, either before or after it actually happened. Only, it was obvious that the window was on fire, and I could see no way at all that was could get past it. All of a sudden this "she" woke up, and it was the girls alternate personality, or this is how i acknowledged it. She pushes me down and begins strangling me and I am not at all afraid, but I turn to my right to see if Hunter (the he in the story) can help me get away, only he has gone, and I acknowledged that he is not there anymore with me and will not save me, and so I allowed the girl to continue strangling me. I didn't feel any sensation or die from being strangled either, oddly. Now that I look at it, I felt like she was merging with me. I don't know if thats how I felt in the dream or not though.
I looked up in this dream thing what certain things meant, like disappear, window, fire, strangle meant.
Disappearing could mean that I feel a loved one or important one may disappear out of my life or that I feel I cannot depend on someone. That I may feel alone or inadequate. To see windows is like vast possibilities, or to see shut windows could be abandonment or desertion. I am thinking that it's some type of trial, obstacle I need to get through, something difficult. For fire, apparently if its contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation. Being strangled apparently denotes that I am repressing or denying a vital aspect of my "expression." I suppose this makes sense.
I feel like that girl was actually me, perhaps this is why I wasn't afraid. I felt like one side was the kind, thoughtful, and most of all caring, girl. But the other side that took over was the person I was for a while back in the day. The cold, indifferent, stoic one. In my mind I always felt like the person I use to be a long time ago, and that has re-awoken, was chained up, repressed. And that the stoic person in me took over to keep myself safe. Sometimes I feel a little nervous that it will come back. And sometimes I'm not sure I'm entirely opposed to the idea. But if thats the case, when I noticed and accepted that he wasn't here for me, to save me, I allowed myself to be strangled. I always thought it'd be something like that. After all, he is the reason I woke up. It was a fight between both sides. To keep him in my life, I had to wake up, and it was painful, and it still is painful.
But it was just a dream. I wonder if perhaps we can get through the obstacle, such events can be prevented.
Still dude? Burning window? How the fuck am I supposed to pull that off without getting my ass scorched and permanently fucked. Probably means if we do get through the obstacle together, I'll be fucked up. I thought as much.
Being human is exhausting.
Current Mood: 
Chill
Current Music: Anna Tsuchiya - Kuroi Namida
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at peace
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